Neat Writing of the Illiterate

This is it – the first ever letters page from the first ever issue.

We are barely into the first issue, and already there is a substantial heap of mail waiting to be read. One has DVLA on the front of it. Looks like Desdemona’s gotta be taxed again soon. Damn.


Recently, whilst returning from my long, hard day at the office, I noticed several people standing in what an only be described as anorderly line by the road. From the relafive safety ofiered by secreting myself behind a lamp post, I noticed with interest that a large, red, monster arrived several minutes later, and they all clambered into the monster’s gaping jaws.
Just what is this creature and why do people willingly give themselves up in this manner?

Herbert Cringe,

The answer to your problem is quite simple. To you and me, this looks like a routine habit, but infact, it is an ancient ritual datingback to the legendary times of King Erest of Zkodd, who tamed the large red dragons found in his Kingdom and used them to convey his people away from a volcano which was due to erupt and destroy the land. King Erest and his followers spent many hours in the stomachs of these beasts, afler which time they emerged, somewhat wet, but otherwise unharmed.

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Posted in #1, Archived Be®T!, Neat Writing of the Illiterate

Page of Stuff

Posted in #33 - Spring 1996, Archived Be®T!

Simon the Siphoning Squirrel

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Posted in #33 - Spring 1996, Archived Be®T!, Simon the Siphoning Squirrel

Let’s Get Disgusting!

First appears in issue 33, Spring 1996.

Dear Disgusting,

I have noticed a recent worrying trent in the postal service. I have noticed that when I lick a stamp and place it on an envelope, the corners curl up and sometimes the stamp even falls off.

My pride in my saliva is now waning. I am concerned that its viscosity is falling and I need your advice. How can I increase the density of my drool and restore its adhesive qualities? Do I need a special diet, or perhaps exercise? I await your reply with baited breath.

Carl Sagan,

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Posted in #33 - Spring 1996, Archived Be®T!

Desdemona’s Skoda Joke

Posted in #33 - Spring 1996, Archived Be®T!

Neat Writing of the Illiterate

Letters From Issue 33 – Spring 1996


As we all know, Star Trek, and its many off shoots, are real, and whilst many accuse me of living in a fantasy world void of real contact with the outside world, I am pleased to tune in to those live telecasts every week on both BBC TV and Sky one too see where my favourite Star Fleet Officers are.

Of course, I am often asked, if Star Trek is REAL, then how can it be set in the future. My answer is that they can transmit their logs into the past to show us whet they are up to.

However, I have now seen a flaw in this seemingly unassailable logic – the Prime Directive. I ask you, if they are not allowed to tamper with primitive cultures, as in the recent episode who Watches the Watchers, then how can they let us, a more primitive culture, see them without contaminating us?

I feel that this is an outrage, and I immediately switched off and refuse to watch the program for fear of being further contaminated.

Sadly, I fear that this action may be too late for some people that I know.

Silas Popup
Much Hadham

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Posted in #33 - Spring 1996, Archived Be®T!, Neat Writing of the Illiterate